


you taught me to see in colour

by overcastphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Homophobia, LGBTQ, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-16 01:05:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7245991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overcastphan/pseuds/overcastphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this is just a short story I wrote for an english assignment and I really like it so I thought I should post it :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	you taught me to see in colour

Dan sat in the sterile white room looking around at the lack of colour that surrounded him. The couch he was sat on seemed too clean, and the firmness of it made him believe he was the first to actually touch it. The walls were bare, apart from the degree that was framed and hung upon the blank surface. For a grief counsellor’s office, it didn’t do a very good job in keeping him hopeful. Then again, nothing did these days.

He could just leave. He could walk right back out the door, past the receptionist desk, and back into the outside world before retreating back into his apartment where he would inevitably cry the moment he walked through the door. The nostalgia usually hit like a tidal wave whenever he saw home, but it was no longer home without Phil. It was simply a building in which he lived in. His head whipped around at the sound of the door opening, and saw the counsellor walking in. She was middle aged and immediately eyed Dan up and down causing him to squirm in his seat uncomfortably. He didn’t want to be here, he’d rather be anywhere else.

He wanted to be with Phil. He wanted to be at home, surrounded by the houseplants that Phil refused to stop buying. He wanted to be in the Starbucks they always went to during Christmas solely for the peppermint mochas. He wanted to be by the pond where they shared their first kiss. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted, but he couldn’t have. He could never have moments like those again, all because of one moment that should have never happened in the first place.

Rather than focusing on his counsellor’s droning voice speaking syllables of introductions and how the main result was moving on, he focused on the sound of moving traffic below him, and the sound of birds just outside the window. He wished he were a bird. He would be able to fly far away and start over. Freedom would be his and he’d never have to see this office again or the street where it happened.

“Daniel, are you listening to me?” his counsellor asked sternly as if she were a teacher scolding a primary class.

“Evidently not.” he squinted at her nametag, “Dr. Tyrell.”

“Then explain to me, Mr. Howell, why are you here?”

“That’s a good question. Apparently locking yourself in your apartment for a month isn’t normal, so I was forced to come here by my friends. If you’re asking for the reason I need a grief counsellor in the first place, I’m here because my boyfriend was killed because he loved me.”

“Tell me about it then since you don’t seem very keen in just listening to me.”

So Dan did. He couldn’t talk about the moment he wished he could turn back to and find a way to prevent it from happening just yet. Instead he started at the beginning.

Back when Dan was eight, life was easy and carefree. He was still at an age where he didn’t need to be bothered with the reality of life and he still didn’t understand the troubles that people went through. All he had to do was worry about spelling, math, and scraped knees. His favourite things in life were peanut butter and jam sandwiches, Pokemon, and his best friend, Phil Lester. From time to time, there were certain people in the world that seemed to exude love and happiness as easily as the sun warms your skin on hot summer days, and Phil was one of those people. Dan didn’t think there was ever a day where Phil wasn’t smiling or making jokes and Dan was grateful for him because if Phil was smiling, Dan was smiling. They would always go on adventures the moment the dismissal bell rang at school and by the third year of their friendship, they had found all the secrets their town had to offer. That was until they discovered the pond. They were adventuring by the creek, pretending to be pirates searching for buried treasure. Both boys had never thought to follow the creek to see where it would end until that day. Dan followed Phil as they trekked to the end only to find a pond that was so secluded they deemed it as a safe haven. Everything was quiet except the edge of the water lapping at their toes when the wind blew.   
They sat there for hours skipping pebbles, frog hunting, and just talking about anything their child minds could think of. After that first day, they went back to the pond every day after school and on weekends. It became their favourite place, but any place with Phil was Dan’s favourite place. One day during the summer, Phil dared Dan to kiss him. Dan didn’t think anything of it mainly because it was a dare, and it was his best friend. He pecked Phil quickly on the lips but what he wasn’t expecting was the blush that creeped onto his cheeks. Phil giggled before grabbing Dan’s hand and running home. They never let go of each other’s hand until Dan’s father opened the door and scowled at the sight before him. Dan didn’t understand, and neither did Phil, but for now it didn’t matter because they had nothing to worry about. 

Dan didn’t begin to worry about anything until he was sixteen and his feelings for Phil since the kiss only escalated. Phil reciprocated those feelings as well and they had been dating since high school began. Phil’s parents were completely supportive, but Dan’s were the complete opposite. He not only had to deal with homophobic people at school, but at home as well. He never understood why people acted the way they did, all he was doing was loving someone. 

To Dan being gay was like being in a war. Everywhere he went words were thrown around carelessly, but to him they hit like bullets. Small phrases used for jokes pierced through his skin and left wounds that no one could see. The laughs that followed these jokes were the shrapnel that kept him silent. His voice screamed internally for him to say something, anything. To stand up for himself as well as the others also rendered silent. But he never did. He just walked by pretending he hadn’t heard anything simply to show that it didn’t affect him. Dan’s dad was an alcoholic and not because he enjoyed the taste, but because by making everything around him blurry, it somehow made his son look more straight. Home and school had become hell but Phil was his heaven. Phil was the missing puzzle piece needed to complete the masterpiece that was now Dan’s heart. A heart shared with Phil, a heart full of love. Phil was home and safety and all the warm things in the world. Phil taught Dan to see life in colour rather than shades of black and white and if it weren’t for him, Dan didn’t think he’d still be in this world in the first place.

The day Dan and Phil went to their first pride parade after they had graduated high school was without a doubt the best day in Dan’s life. The two walked proudly through the seemingly endless congregation of screaming colours. Arms raised, hands clasped tightly together, bright smiles plastered on their faces. For one of the first times in their lives they were able to stand together as one and actually be proud of who they had become. For once they felt as if they truly belonged. Bright colours consumed them as the dark retreated back in fear.

Happiness and colour always seem to fade eventually. Dan once heard someone say that nothing gold could stay, and they were right. Sometimes happy moments were in fact just moments and not something that could last forever. The two boys were participating in the various pride festivities that the community had to offer when Dan’s world came crashing down. A man that neither of the boys knew decided it was time to cut Phil’s life short. With one sound of a gun, Dan’s world drained of colour. He clutched onto Phil’s hand, begging him to open his eyes and tell Dan it had only been a prank. He would wake up and they would go home and cuddle on the couch and watch an entire season of Haikyuu. No amount of pleading would work. Phil was gone. The world was no longer black and white, it was various hues of grey. Nothing making sense, nothing bright, because a life without Phil was a life without colour.

His counsellor had told him that he should focus on the colours that Phil brought into his life and much to Dan’s annoyance, it began to help. Before it had simply been grey and empty but one by one, the colours slowly returned. Starting from light pastels and eventually turning to bright neons. Rather than the purple bruises given to him from his drunken father, he focused on the purple faces they would give themselves while having breath holding contests. Rather than the red blood that stained the pavement, he focused on the strawberries that were always Phil’s favourite. He remembered the pink that took over Phil’s cheeks whenever he was caught staring at Dan and the yellow sunlight that seemed to radiate off of Phil whenever he smiled. He remembered the hues of orange from the first sunrise they watched together and the green of the grass that tickled their feet when they had picnics. Most of all, he remembered the blue. The blue of the sky they always laid underneath, the dark blue of the night sky as the stars began to become visible, the blue of Phil’s favourite shirt and most importantly the blue of Phil’s eyes. The blue that made him feel like home, the blue that made him feel safe and loved. He may never be able to see that hue of blue again from Phil, but it was the hue of blue that made him believe he could in fact be okay eventually.


End file.
